One hell of a week, and it's only Wednesday...

It's 5:42am, and I woke up today. Baby is healthy, kicking like crazy, and VERY successfully giving me heartburn.

My daughter is snoring softly in her bed, in the same key and tempo as her father in the next room.

My husband, also snoring, but not so softly...(see above; 5:42 am)

All of these things make me happy. I am awake, and we are all safe, at home, and happy.

This week so far has shown me that, very simply, I have everything to live for, and have NOTHING to complain about.

I have taken a moment this morning to mourn the loss of our friends Craig, and Dan Moore.

2 friends of ours have died in the same week. Craig, lost his battle to Cancer Sunday, and Dan's heart gave up. Both were too young.

Craig left us at 36 years old. He was a beautiful person, who loved to give me all kinds of grief. He was a friend to many, and inspiration to all, and a foul mouthed, bullheaded music lover, who even in death, was able to make me laugh so hard I cried...

Dan was a friend and mentor to Doug. For all of you that know Doug, you have heard his expressive "It's just got a little wiggle in it's giggle," and "I've just got to put the zig on the zag"

Those were Danny Moore ISMS... He taught Doug, and plenty of other people, the art of a patience threshold.

He once threatened to nail Doug's cell phone to a wall if he didn't get off of it while on a job site...He would wait for Doug to fall asleep in his work truck, and slap him on the chest, pointing at a flock of ducks and yell "LOOK DOUG, CHICKENS!!!"

I felt close to him, but only through Doug's stories...I met him plenty of times, and can honestly say, he scared the hell out of me. He was a large man, with some of the biggest hands I have ever seen...but he ended up being an even bigger teddy bear than I could imagine.


So, I saw my husbands heart break twice this week, and for once, I need to be he rock.

Much easier said than done, but he has been so strong throughout this last year, and he just needs a break.

Life is too precious. We all say it, but it doesn't really mean anything unless you actually appreciate it.

Burying two friends will reconfirm your commitment to your life.

We are all survivors. It doesn't have to be Cancer, or a heart attack. You are a survivor if you woke up today, so start acting like it.

So, from one survivor to another, take a walk today, because you can.

Call that friend you have been delaying, because sometimes you don't get a second chance.

Don't say things because you can apologize later.

Just live.

The things I took for granted...

A small list of things I miss...

Being able to feel Doug's hair...and face...just his skin, with my hands...

-losing your sense of touch, SUCKS. I miss wiping Patience's tears, testing the bath water, and being trusted to cut an apple with a kitchen knife...

I miss the rain on my face...and I never really knew it mattered.

I miss pacing back and forth on a phone call...

I miss how easy it was being ABLE to just run into the grocery store to get milk, without the hassle of a wheelchair, or having Doug go get it.

I miss independence.

I miss work, in EVERY capacity...swinging a hammer, designing someones future bathroom, and the feel of textiles, paint and new carpet...

I miss being taken seriously. I REALLY miss being taken seriously.

I was always the small one, the girl on a job site, the odd "man" out. But I made myself known.
I always demanded the respect I deserved, and fought for equality in my line of work for everyone; unless of course you were a lazy bastard, I made no time for you...

To this day, I don't know if I believe in God. Not in the sense that there is a man in the clouds with a roster of checks and balances, waiting for me to say a "Hail Mary", anyway...

I don't want to think that some being has control over all that I do, and have done, or that "HE" granted me with my life, and the people in it. If that is so, He and I have to have a serious chat about my childhood...

BUT, what I do know...If you asked me to slow down and look at my life, to appreciate it; I may have just glanced, shrugged my shoulders, and said, "Everything's fine." And I would have moved on...going my typical 150 Miles Per Hour...

But if you had to make me slow down, it was going to take something BIG. No, a small accident just wouldn't do...A cancer scare; still wouldn't stop me. My pet dying; nope. My brother getting hooked on drugs, again; nope. They simply didn't work...

So, if a "divine being" needed to slow me down, and show me what was really important in life...

First, take my memory...My ability to concentrate and remember what I, and everyone else was supposed to be doing. And make sure I can't focus AT ALL...

Then, take my hands...my calloused, hard working hands. They will be covered in paint on the day they are rendered useless, because I am stubborn, and I have taped my fingers together to continue to hold a paint brush..

Then, my feet. Make it hard for me to put shoes on by just wiggling my toes, make me have to stop, sit down, and make sure the shoe is actually ON, because I can't feel it.

If that doesn't work, make sure I have to limp...There is nothing more convincing than a feisty female telling you what to do, while she is limping towards you, clutching one hand, and dragging one foot...

Oh, and If I still wont listen...If I still don't appreciate what I have;

Take my VOICE; the one I just recently found...my ability to stand out, make music, and force people to listen...

Take my sensation...my muscles...BUT: only take one side of my body...the strong one, so I HAVE to learn how to make the weak side stronger..(it will give me something to do when I'm bored)

Oh, and if you only take one side; it will confuse the doctors, so they can look at me like I'm crazy, or better yet, they can actually TELL me I'm crazy... They can run ridiculous tests, draw pint after pint of blood...they will take tissue and muscle and skin biopsies, and CT scan me UNTIL I DO HAVE SOMETHING WRONG...I will have to endure spinal taps gone wrong, deal with labs who LOSE spinal fliud, and then, just when I'm on the right track...

I will find out I am pregnant.

And then, I will have to fight harder than I ever had to...to be taken seriously. Because it's not just me who needs my body anymore...so does SHE.

And just when I thought I was getting the point, you can prove me wrong.

If you had to slow me down, that's what would need to happen.

And it did.

So, now I realize, GOD or not; this HAD to happen. No, I am not rendered with a terminal disease. Yes, I can die from this disorder, but I won't. I CAN'T. My life, my body, and my mind, needed to be appreciated for what they could REALLY do...

Instead of being a vessel for me to succeed in life, they are now a vessel for my child.

I was selfish.

I don't need to paint houses to prove my self worth.

I don't need to run ahead of the pack, to stick out in a crowd.

And I don't need to yell, or SING to be heard.

I don't need to walk to get where I need to be.

I AM where I need to be.

But I didn't know...I never slowed down enough to listen...so, I firmly believe:

This HAD to happen.

A new Day...pregnancy, life and health update. March 2010

Yesterday, I had a bit of a mental check-out, so I figured, if I write it all down, it may help a bit.

I feel much better today, and thankfully yesterday's break was short lived.

If you have ever been pregnant, or have known someone close to you that was pregnant, you can relate. Sometimes the flow of emotions is a flood vs. a levy.

In my situation, I'm surprised it didn't come sooner.

I have a very distinct memory of my pregnancy with Patience...(Doug and I still joke about this)

***We were living with my mother in 2004, and it was a Saturday. Doug's friend Jonny was going to visit, and I needed to find him a flight, to and from San Diego. I was in the office, hollering to Doug questions I needed answered to finish booking the flights...

"Doug, what days are easiest for him to fly?"

(from another room, he yells back..)

"I have no idea."

ME-"How many days is he staying?"

"I don't know"

ME-"Can you call him and ask what is easiest for him?"

"He's at work, and this needs to be booked today!"

ME-"How am I supposed to book this with no information?"

(With a coy tone to his voice, Doug replies in his own fashion)

"Do you really need help with a simple flight reservation?"

I thought I was going to kill him. When I walked out of the office, he and my mother were chowing down on eggs, bacon, toast, and some pancakes.

I looked around for a plate with food on it that MAY have been set aside for me, but NOTHING. I pulled the typical female response of huffing and slamming cabinet doors, and when I got no response, I finally asked..."Am I in the TWILIGHT ZONE?"

Doug responded with a giggle, "The pan's still hot."

For some unknown hormonal reason, I LOST it. I, of course, took his response to mean..."Make it your damn self!" (Thats how most of us women work. We can twist what you said into the most horrendous of offenses, and stick with it.)

So, I warped into *SUPER BITCH* in 0.4 seconds. (Record time for me)

I screamed things like "I can't believe you, you make HER breakfast, and you leave the mother of your child to STARVE?!?"

I may have even said something about raising a baby on my own, and that I couldn't be with someone so selfish.

I even went as far as to pack an overnight bag, and get in my car!

What was Doug doing?...If you know Doug, first...imagine his low level belly laugh, and his coy smile that only curl the corners of his lips, but pronounce his dimples, and then imagine how he is when he tries NOT to laugh..

Then, imagine him sitting on the front steps of my mothers house, watching me spool up, and making a very grand effort to validate my feelings.

Yes, he tried...VERY HARD...to say the perfect man things, like..."Honey, you're right, I should have made you breakfast, but I wanted it to be fresh..." and "I understand you're upset right now, maybe you should eat."

I, again, took these statements to be patronizing, and started to cry, uncontrollably.

Then, as I sat in my car to leave, I realized I had nowhere to go.

What was I gonna do, go to my mothers? I WAS ALREADY THERE!
She had watched this whole thing go down, and somehow made herself invisible.

So, now overwhelmed with the reality that I *MIGHT* have over-reacted a *little*, I felt stupid. And now that I felt stupid, I got mad. So, in the front seat of my car, 6 months pregnant, hungry, and completely defeated, I proceeded to beat the steering wheel out of anger.

I wish I had a video of this entire occurrence. (well, maybe not, because I may have been institutionalized)

Doug, in the way that he does, came out, calmed me down, and didn't point out all of the crazy things I did. He actually apologized, because he knew that if I felt any more stupid, I may regress back into the psychotic animal I had just become.

When I could finally formulate a sentence without sniffling like a 5 year old, we went in to the kitchen, and sat down.

Doug, with the dimple smile, says "Hey baby, you want some eggs?"

We laughed for an hour or so after that...and every couple of months for the past 5 years.

Every time I get a little flustered, Doug will jokingly run into the kitchen and grab the eggs from the fridge.



That's my memory, so pity every pregnant woman you meet, because we have NO control when that stuff happens. We become another person, and leave our sane self behind to clean up the mess...


Anyway, I use this memory to calm myself down during this pregnancy. It made me giggle just writing it all down.

Our situation in the last 6 years has certainly changed a bit. Back then, even while pregnant, I was installing tile floors, painting houses, and building additions...

Patience was in Home Depot when she was 2 days old...

Now, we are looking into cribs with handicapped accessible doors, so I can get to my newborn daughter. Strollers I can push with an electric wheelchair, and all kinds of other accessible stuff.

When I had Patience, I felt inadequate. I never thought I'd be a mother, and who knew what I would do with a GIRL!

Now, I know how easy I had it. Now faced with a whole new set of challenges, we face adaptation in a whole new light.

Doug, is, and always will be, Doug. He is the perfect example of how us humans should be. I firmly believe that. He has his flaws, sure, but he has stood by me, in sickness and in health, and through thick and thin. He makes this easier for me.

Just when I think I can't handle getting sicker, he does something to make me feel like he can't live without ME. He makes me feel like I am still worth something, even when I can't even handle the simplest task.

He asks for nothing in return. He never has. So, for those of you who have been saved by Doug...please pass his love forward to someone else.

You know who you are. The tire on your truck may be from one of his vehicles. The duct tape on your radiator hose was from our garage, and the guitar in your house was probably his at one point, and he gave it to you, so you could have the gift of music.

As of today, I am 6 months pregnant. Still in a wheelchair, and I have nurses at my house 60% of the week. Some come for Physical Therapy, and others to continue my treatments. I have IV poles in my office, and Sharps containers in my closet.

I haven't seen the inside of my pickup truck in over 6 months.

The new baby is PERFECTLY HEALTHY, and is tolerating my treatments, steroids, and massive medication regimen just fine.

Patience is perfect as well. Just turned 5 in January, and is the woman of the house now. She helps Daddy clean up around the house, hangs her own laundry, and is doing dishes as much as she can!

We make sure she never feels scared about my condition, but we also educate her on emergency procedures. She is very smart, and loves the fact she is going to be a big sister soon.

Doug and I are going to have to move very soon, in order to stop the outflow of money. We just can't afford this apartment anymore, so we are starting to look for a rental with one level somewhere in the county. Who knew it would be that hard to find a house suitable for a wheelchair?!

Money is tight (non-existent) and Doug is busting his butt at work, and I will start booking his gigs soon. I can still use the phone!

So, although it seems dire at times, I still have the perfect life. I have the perfect husband, and the most precious child a mother could ask for.

My friends are there when I need them, and some have gone to the mat for me, to the highest extent. I will update more soon, and I will be posting more and more pictures on FaceBook that I haven't caught up with in a while...

Thanks for reading...