Yesterday, I had a bit of a mental check-out, so I figured, if I write it all down, it may help a bit.
I feel much better today, and thankfully yesterday's break was short lived.
If you have ever been pregnant, or have known someone close to you that was pregnant, you can relate. Sometimes the flow of emotions is a flood vs. a levy.
In my situation, I'm surprised it didn't come sooner.
I have a very distinct memory of my pregnancy with Patience...(Doug and I still joke about this)
***We were living with my mother in 2004, and it was a Saturday. Doug's friend Jonny was going to visit, and I needed to find him a flight, to and from San Diego. I was in the office, hollering to Doug questions I needed answered to finish booking the flights...
"Doug, what days are easiest for him to fly?"
(from another room, he yells back..)
"I have no idea."
ME-"How many days is he staying?"
"I don't know"
ME-"Can you call him and ask what is easiest for him?"
"He's at work, and this needs to be booked today!"
ME-"How am I supposed to book this with no information?"
(With a coy tone to his voice, Doug replies in his own fashion)
"Do you really need help with a simple flight reservation?"
I thought I was going to kill him. When I walked out of the office, he and my mother were chowing down on eggs, bacon, toast, and some pancakes.
I looked around for a plate with food on it that MAY have been set aside for me, but NOTHING. I pulled the typical female response of huffing and slamming cabinet doors, and when I got no response, I finally asked..."Am I in the TWILIGHT ZONE?"
Doug responded with a giggle, "The pan's still hot."
For some unknown hormonal reason, I LOST it. I, of course, took his response to mean..."Make it your damn self!" (Thats how most of us women work. We can twist what you said into the most horrendous of offenses, and stick with it.)
So, I warped into *SUPER BITCH* in 0.4 seconds. (Record time for me)
I screamed things like "I can't believe you, you make HER breakfast, and you leave the mother of your child to STARVE?!?"
I may have even said something about raising a baby on my own, and that I couldn't be with someone so selfish.
I even went as far as to pack an overnight bag, and get in my car!
What was Doug doing?...If you know Doug, first...imagine his low level belly laugh, and his coy smile that only curl the corners of his lips, but pronounce his dimples, and then imagine how he is when he tries NOT to laugh..
Then, imagine him sitting on the front steps of my mothers house, watching me spool up, and making a very grand effort to validate my feelings.
Yes, he tried...VERY HARD...to say the perfect man things, like..."Honey, you're right, I should have made you breakfast, but I wanted it to be fresh..." and "I understand you're upset right now, maybe you should eat."
I, again, took these statements to be patronizing, and started to cry, uncontrollably.
Then, as I sat in my car to leave, I realized I had nowhere to go.
What was I gonna do, go to my mothers? I WAS ALREADY THERE!
She had watched this whole thing go down, and somehow made herself invisible.
So, now overwhelmed with the reality that I *MIGHT* have over-reacted a *little*, I felt stupid. And now that I felt stupid, I got mad. So, in the front seat of my car, 6 months pregnant, hungry, and completely defeated, I proceeded to beat the steering wheel out of anger.
I wish I had a video of this entire occurrence. (well, maybe not, because I may have been institutionalized)
Doug, in the way that he does, came out, calmed me down, and didn't point out all of the crazy things I did. He actually apologized, because he knew that if I felt any more stupid, I may regress back into the psychotic animal I had just become.
When I could finally formulate a sentence without sniffling like a 5 year old, we went in to the kitchen, and sat down.
Doug, with the dimple smile, says "Hey baby, you want some eggs?"
We laughed for an hour or so after that...and every couple of months for the past 5 years.
Every time I get a little flustered, Doug will jokingly run into the kitchen and grab the eggs from the fridge.
That's my memory, so pity every pregnant woman you meet, because we have NO control when that stuff happens. We become another person, and leave our sane self behind to clean up the mess...
Anyway, I use this memory to calm myself down during this pregnancy. It made me giggle just writing it all down.
Our situation in the last 6 years has certainly changed a bit. Back then, even while pregnant, I was installing tile floors, painting houses, and building additions...
Patience was in Home Depot when she was 2 days old...
Now, we are looking into cribs with handicapped accessible doors, so I can get to my newborn daughter. Strollers I can push with an electric wheelchair, and all kinds of other accessible stuff.
When I had Patience, I felt inadequate. I never thought I'd be a mother, and who knew what I would do with a GIRL!
Now, I know how easy I had it. Now faced with a whole new set of challenges, we face adaptation in a whole new light.
Doug, is, and always will be, Doug. He is the perfect example of how us humans should be. I firmly believe that. He has his flaws, sure, but he has stood by me, in sickness and in health, and through thick and thin. He makes this easier for me.
Just when I think I can't handle getting sicker, he does something to make me feel like he can't live without ME. He makes me feel like I am still worth something, even when I can't even handle the simplest task.
He asks for nothing in return. He never has. So, for those of you who have been saved by Doug...please pass his love forward to someone else.
You know who you are. The tire on your truck may be from one of his vehicles. The duct tape on your radiator hose was from our garage, and the guitar in your house was probably his at one point, and he gave it to you, so you could have the gift of music.
As of today, I am 6 months pregnant. Still in a wheelchair, and I have nurses at my house 60% of the week. Some come for Physical Therapy, and others to continue my treatments. I have IV poles in my office, and Sharps containers in my closet.
I haven't seen the inside of my pickup truck in over 6 months.
The new baby is PERFECTLY HEALTHY, and is tolerating my treatments, steroids, and massive medication regimen just fine.
Patience is perfect as well. Just turned 5 in January, and is the woman of the house now. She helps Daddy clean up around the house, hangs her own laundry, and is doing dishes as much as she can!
We make sure she never feels scared about my condition, but we also educate her on emergency procedures. She is very smart, and loves the fact she is going to be a big sister soon.
Doug and I are going to have to move very soon, in order to stop the outflow of money. We just can't afford this apartment anymore, so we are starting to look for a rental with one level somewhere in the county. Who knew it would be that hard to find a house suitable for a wheelchair?!
Money is tight (non-existent) and Doug is busting his butt at work, and I will start booking his gigs soon. I can still use the phone!
So, although it seems dire at times, I still have the perfect life. I have the perfect husband, and the most precious child a mother could ask for.
My friends are there when I need them, and some have gone to the mat for me, to the highest extent. I will update more soon, and I will be posting more and more pictures on FaceBook that I haven't caught up with in a while...
Thanks for reading...
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