The things I took for granted...

A small list of things I miss...

Being able to feel Doug's hair...and face...just his skin, with my hands...

-losing your sense of touch, SUCKS. I miss wiping Patience's tears, testing the bath water, and being trusted to cut an apple with a kitchen knife...

I miss the rain on my face...and I never really knew it mattered.

I miss pacing back and forth on a phone call...

I miss how easy it was being ABLE to just run into the grocery store to get milk, without the hassle of a wheelchair, or having Doug go get it.

I miss independence.

I miss work, in EVERY capacity...swinging a hammer, designing someones future bathroom, and the feel of textiles, paint and new carpet...

I miss being taken seriously. I REALLY miss being taken seriously.

I was always the small one, the girl on a job site, the odd "man" out. But I made myself known.
I always demanded the respect I deserved, and fought for equality in my line of work for everyone; unless of course you were a lazy bastard, I made no time for you...

To this day, I don't know if I believe in God. Not in the sense that there is a man in the clouds with a roster of checks and balances, waiting for me to say a "Hail Mary", anyway...

I don't want to think that some being has control over all that I do, and have done, or that "HE" granted me with my life, and the people in it. If that is so, He and I have to have a serious chat about my childhood...

BUT, what I do know...If you asked me to slow down and look at my life, to appreciate it; I may have just glanced, shrugged my shoulders, and said, "Everything's fine." And I would have moved on...going my typical 150 Miles Per Hour...

But if you had to make me slow down, it was going to take something BIG. No, a small accident just wouldn't do...A cancer scare; still wouldn't stop me. My pet dying; nope. My brother getting hooked on drugs, again; nope. They simply didn't work...

So, if a "divine being" needed to slow me down, and show me what was really important in life...

First, take my memory...My ability to concentrate and remember what I, and everyone else was supposed to be doing. And make sure I can't focus AT ALL...

Then, take my hands...my calloused, hard working hands. They will be covered in paint on the day they are rendered useless, because I am stubborn, and I have taped my fingers together to continue to hold a paint brush..

Then, my feet. Make it hard for me to put shoes on by just wiggling my toes, make me have to stop, sit down, and make sure the shoe is actually ON, because I can't feel it.

If that doesn't work, make sure I have to limp...There is nothing more convincing than a feisty female telling you what to do, while she is limping towards you, clutching one hand, and dragging one foot...

Oh, and If I still wont listen...If I still don't appreciate what I have;

Take my VOICE; the one I just recently found...my ability to stand out, make music, and force people to listen...

Take my sensation...my muscles...BUT: only take one side of my body...the strong one, so I HAVE to learn how to make the weak side stronger..(it will give me something to do when I'm bored)

Oh, and if you only take one side; it will confuse the doctors, so they can look at me like I'm crazy, or better yet, they can actually TELL me I'm crazy... They can run ridiculous tests, draw pint after pint of blood...they will take tissue and muscle and skin biopsies, and CT scan me UNTIL I DO HAVE SOMETHING WRONG...I will have to endure spinal taps gone wrong, deal with labs who LOSE spinal fliud, and then, just when I'm on the right track...

I will find out I am pregnant.

And then, I will have to fight harder than I ever had to...to be taken seriously. Because it's not just me who needs my body anymore...so does SHE.

And just when I thought I was getting the point, you can prove me wrong.

If you had to slow me down, that's what would need to happen.

And it did.

So, now I realize, GOD or not; this HAD to happen. No, I am not rendered with a terminal disease. Yes, I can die from this disorder, but I won't. I CAN'T. My life, my body, and my mind, needed to be appreciated for what they could REALLY do...

Instead of being a vessel for me to succeed in life, they are now a vessel for my child.

I was selfish.

I don't need to paint houses to prove my self worth.

I don't need to run ahead of the pack, to stick out in a crowd.

And I don't need to yell, or SING to be heard.

I don't need to walk to get where I need to be.

I AM where I need to be.

But I didn't know...I never slowed down enough to listen...so, I firmly believe:

This HAD to happen.